HOW TO FEEL HAPPY AND BE HAPPY

If you have never experienced grief or trauma or witnessed evil in the world, then you are just plain lucky.  Life is both good and bad, even sometimes quite ugly; it is joyful AND sorrowful, both at the same time.  It depends which one you want to focus on.  The glass is half full AND half empty.  So do you want to wear rose colored glasses, shit colored glasses, or see reality and truth clearly?  Do you want to just exist, or do you want to choose to create and live a life worth living and enjoy the ride along the way? Do you want to wallow and dwell in your own narrow mind in the dark all by yourself and be miserable, and isolate yourself from positive people?  Does your own behavior keep others from wanting to connect with you and spend time with you? It may seem safer to push others away- this keeps the bad stuff out, but it also doesn't let any of the good stuff in either. Avoiding toxic people and setting boundaries is good; not having anyone to talk to or spend time with is not so good.  People can be giving, connecting, loving.  These same people who help their neighbors and volunteer can also have a darker or different side- selfish, irritable, emotionally unstable, punishing, re-enacting their own wounded inner child or childhoods.  Abuse can be mental, emotional, psychological, spiritual, institutional (systems)- not just physical and sexual.  People hurt others when they have been hurt- this doesn't make it right though.  Right is NOT hurting others. Wrong IS hurting others. It's really just that simple.  We must take care of others in our society who cannot take care of themselves and need help.  Mental illness, addiction/substance abuse, poverty, disability and limiting access, homelessness, control, oppression and discrimination, crime, violence, not taking care of personal responsibilities, not being accountable for our behaviors or accepting responsibility, taking advantage of those more vulnerable - there are a lot of societal and environmental issues that need to be solved or helped.  People are not really as mysterious and complicated as you think.  They have core themes, learned from growing up in their families, schools, from peers, from others around them, even from TV, music, and social media.  These fears are at the core of their being, like peeling back an onion's layers and getting to the middle.  Core themes of fear may include the fear of being alone, of being betrayed, of being abandoned, of not feeling adequate.  Babies are not born with low self-esteem and codependency- it is learned from the outside, indoctrinated from our society and culture, then internalized.  People try to fill this empty hole, of not feeling that they are enough or good enough, with money, material possessions, mind altering drugs and alcohol, gambling, sexual addictions, religious cults, extreme polarized thinking, the need to prove how right you are or so you think, trying to get one over on someone else (making others feel inferior so you will feel superior).  If yourself-esteem depends on others to tell you how great you are or that you are okay, then your self-esteem will be fragile like a snowflake and fall apart every time a relationship does no work out. You will be verbally wounded by others if you care too much what others think; you must toughen up some to survive this world.  But you don't want to be so emotionally tough that you miss out on others who try to care about you or connect with you.  If your expectations are perfectionistic and unrealistic, you will be disappointed a lot by others, because not everyone will agree with you or do what you want, and other people are not perfect.  If you think you are right and everyone else is wrong, then no one probably likes you, to be real.  Common sense and human decency are learned; common sense is not common for everyone I have learned over the years.  One person only (your partner, spouse) is not SUPPOSE to fulfill your every need and expectation emotionally, nor is it even possible.  To be happy, you must have strengths, inner resources, and a support system.  If family is not supportive, create your own family of friends.  Get out of the house, meet people in person who have similar interests and leisure activities, and have some fun- shake up that routine.  You contribute to your own life and your own reality, and there is some free will here.  Realize by trying to change others into who you want them to be instead of realizing who they really are, that is just wishful thinking and fantasy- if you listen, they will tell you who they are.  Then you have the choice of whether you accept them and all their flaws are not, and which ones are dealbreakers or not.  Other people who may appear to be happy may be pretending, so don't compare yourself to and envy others., and sometimes excess of what you need regarding money can even cause more problems...so I hear.  Stability is comforting and reduces worry, but does not eliminate it. And lower your expectations down to reality regarding your partner if you have one.  That soap opera romantic partner who always tells you what you want to hear does not really exist.  Relationships are hard work, but life is too short to live with someone long term who is unkind, mean, controlling and does not really love you or have your best interests at heart.  Some people can't love anyone, including themselves, because of their own hangups that have nothing to do with you.  It is ok to be a caretaker, as long as it is not sucking the life out of you and that you in turn also get taken care of by them at times.  It is important to take care of your own self, as that is YOUR responsibility.  If you need emotional help or behavioral change, go get some counseling from a really good counselor. I can recommend some I used to work with.  Mental health therapy does work.  If you are physically unhealthy, do something about it.  Don't just talk about it and complain.  Exercise, walk, swim, sports, the gym, nutrition, self-care, nature/outdoors, meditation, massage, plants and herbs, support groups, life coaching, educational classes, cooking classes, vitamins and supplements, medicine, treatments....do whatever works for you.  Just don't stay the same if it does not work for you.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result.  You do have the power to change the course of your life, if you want to.  Take care of your mind and your body- it has to last you a while...The grass is not always greener on the other side; it is green wherever you water it. Surround yourself with positive like-minded people....volunteer, church if that's important to you, community events, family you like, friends who care about you, neighbors who would help you, pets, well behaved children (ha), whatever makes you feel better.  Take a community class in a new hobby or interest and see if you like it to meet new people who have similar interests.  Change can be good, it's not always scary.  It may not always be known and predictable, but it may possibly even be interesting. Ask yourself:  what is in my control and what is not in my control? What is boring the heck out of me?  If it's not in your control, and you can't personally change the circumstance at all, then choose to change how you view it so you can tolerate it.  The Eagles quote I like: "So oftentimes it happens, that we live our lives in chains, but we never even know we have the key..." Life is meant to be thoroughly lived and enjoyed, and you don't have to wait for someone else to change in order to change yourself!! :)